A lot has happened on the finca the past month. There are now 2 builders Koker and Juan Carlos, working here to do the main building that needs to happen. They are really great and creative with building, making it as natural and sustainable as possible. I’m learning a lot of construction Spanish, trying to help out wherever I can with trimming trees that are in the way. For the yurt, I sorted out and cleaned the wooden floor planks and thought along with how to put everything together, since it is a second-hand yurt without much info on how to put it together. It’s not yet totally done, but Charlie is living in it and it looks amazing (feeling jealous sometimes, although I love Lotje)! Just like the bathroom that is being built now, it’s stunning! I’ve also been helping with things like, sanding, painting, sowing (the yurt has gotten windows) and together with Charlie making the decisions on what we want. Also cleaning other spaces where we want to build something and preparing the huerta, our garden. Making a raised bed and sowing seeds.
With spring happening now, it was also the time to get creative with nettle, of which I made a fertilizer/bugrepellent and a cream that helps against burns from the sun or insects (also the burn from nettle itself). Looking forward to doing more of this with the herbs and flowers we’ll grow. Starting to feel like a proper witch!
It’s been quite the process here with myself and Charlie. A practice of taking it one day at a time, continuously observing again what it is I feel and need, and finding the right words to express that. Our relationship being more ‘business’ now, where I figured I needed to ask for a bit of support to be able to stay. It’s now more of a workaway situation, where I help out with all that needs to be done here and he partly takes care of buying the food. It feels a bit strange to have to arrange it like this, but for me it is really what I need to not stress out about my own financial situation and being able to dedicate most of my time to the project here.
With us having separated and him seeing someone else, I was also hearing the stories about his new relationship and the long-distance struggles. Noticing that I do want to know about it, so that it can become more real and easier to let go of, but also feeling that it makes me feel sad to hear about it. It confronts me with a feeling of not being good enough, my desire of not wanting to be alone, feeling my increasing ‘skinhunger’ (the need for physical skin contact) and feeling jealousy because he found someone else and he is in an in-love phase, while I’m not (although I don’t envy long-distance). We were arguing a lot. He was quitting smoking and we would just trigger the crap out of each other. However, we still always kept sharing and found understanding and compassion towards each other again. At some point, with all the conversations we were having, that felt really connected and loving, and while his new relationship was not going well, and because of some things he had said, some hope had sneaked in again. The sensation of butterflies. The feeling of our happy moments and the connection we have. When we got to talk about it, as he was in a good relationship space again and he expplained that I had misunderstood it, I just felt sad all over again.
Disappointed by myself for suckering into it again. It’s amazing how easily I can almost forget about all the sadness I felt and wanting to believe in love and the attachment that apparently has to come with it. Also feeling that I would love to be with someone new, who really chooses me. Someone who I don’t know yet and can totally romanticise in my mind and can manifest, but feeling the familiarity and the connection of us. With that, I realize that I’m really taking the challenging route, by staying and working on this transition. I’m not sure if that is the best thing for me to do, but it is what I’m doing. Fortunately, he was gone quite some time to arrange things and be with family and his love. But, during the whole process, I also had to leave a few weekends and stay with Carlos on his finca. Just to get out of the space, the triggers, the feelings and the memories, and be with a beloved friend with whom I can share pretty much anything, in Dutch (which is so incredibly nice).
I also spent some quality time with the girls here and had a few surfsessions. This all helped me to get my head clear again and trust my own feelings and intuition, which were sometimes really clouded by all the emotional conversations between Charlie and me.
During my therapy time years ago, my therapist told me to make a mindmap about my ex back then, to visualise the good and bad things. I had such a hard time lettting go of the idea of how I wanted it to be between us. This really helped me to get it clear that I wasn’t in a happy relationship back then. I did it again now, which gave me some perspective. And I made a new one for the man whom I want to invite into my life.
Just before the virus alarm phase was set by the government, I had some days where I was on the verge of leaving. I felt so tired of the triggers and making the effort to work it out. There had been some days where I had been exhausted and my body just couldn’t do anything anymore. I felt a lot of fear about my diet and health (I feel good, but haven’t been tested yet), about my future here on the finca, alone, and how to make it all work financially. I had asked Carlos if I could stay with him for a bit longer, but quite soon after, felt that I didn’t want to leave my home. I’ve been living here for several months now, and it feels like home. And I don’t want to run away from challenging situations anymore. Especially not if there is room to share, work it out and grow, which with Charlie, there is. If I’d go, it will probably come back to me in some other way with a new partner. Even though I sometimes feel tired of all the processes and having to put everything I’ve learned so far, into practice, it is why I learned it. No need for more trainings and retreats. This is it, with someone I care deeply about. It doesn’t get much more challenging. This is the practice. Breathe and 1 moment at a time. Being open and vulnerable with nothing to lose that is not to be had in the first place.
And then the virus hit and we were not allowed to move much anymore. Surrendering into what is, staying and appreciating the free therapy. It’s interesting how, when there is no choice anymore, it becomes easier to make the effort to work with what is and to stop fighting it. Counting the blessing that are there.
My birthday 35th was a day after the new rules. I had planned a little gettogether with friends, which I had cancelled to be on the safe side. So, it turned into a quiet day, with quite some birthday songs over the phone or in messages. That always warms my heart! I had made some diet-proof coconut whipped cream/pumpkin cream/chufa pancake goody, which I shared with Charlie and the next day with the neighbours, to celebrate. We did our shopping and almost got a €2000 fine each, for driving in a car together. But it was the first day of confinement, so I guess we got lucky because we didn’t get the fine. It’s a strange time for a birthday.
My yogaclasses had been going really nicely. Every week I could notice that I felt more comfortable with teaching in Spanish. Besides the construction Spanish, I was also quickly learning anatomy and movement Spanish, thanks to youtube and yoga with Xuan Lan ;). I started with no yogis or just 1, but after the second week it slowly started to increase. In the end I had about 3-4 regular yogis per class. They were lovely! Helping me out if I couldn’t find my words and they always left really happy and relaxed. In the beginning I was always feeling a bit hesitant to go to the studio to teach, but afterwards there was this feeling of incredible gratefulness. It’s a beautiful thing to be able to share and an amazing opportunity, that totally got me out of my comfort zone, but I managed to pull off really well. It’s a shame that, with the virus outbreak, the classes had to stop, because it might have been my last class (for now), without me even realising it. Aude is now back and I was covering for her, but let’s see what will happen next.
I feel really grateful for being able to live here, in nature, with space around me, with someone I care deeply about. I am really thankful I feel healthy and strong and that I’m not on prednisone at the moment. Fingers crossed that my diet is really helping! We have the Kombucheria, an amazing little ecosupermarket in Vejer, where we get most of our healthy food. We still have lots to do on the finca and kind and helpful neighbours. For now, Koker and Juan Carlos are working and we can still get materials to build. We just need to get the finances sorted out, which have become a challenge with the virus outbreak. So, if you would like to support us in our forest-school and reconnecting with yourself and nature project, and give yourself a present in return, go to vyanayoga.nl and get The Art of Not-Doing online practices (in Dutch or English), which are an amazing way to start your journey within, guided by me, especially during these strange pandemic times.
Wishing everyone good health and peace of mind <3